a swelling feeling

Miss Ya, Mama

Today is one of those days. I have a lot of amazing women in my life - aunts, friends, neighbours - women who are mothers to other people, but who have also had a hand in changing my life. The aunts who step in from time to time and the mothers of friends who I respect and love - at some point they’ve all mothered me in some way or another, and I’m pretty grateful for it.

Today is Mother’s Day, and I’m lucky enough to have had a wonderful mom who continues to shape me in ways she’ll never know. When I look in the mirror and see a flash of her, or when I think that maybe I’ve developed some trait or habit that somehow passed on from her to me, I’m happy and proud.

Last night, my dad helped me move home from Montreal after six long years. When my dad and I are on long drives in the car together, we have the best conversations. I really treasure our car-talks. Anyway, we got to talking about my mom and I asked some questions I can’t believe I never asked before - about things you don’t get the chance to question when you’re younger, but as you get older you start to wonder more and more about the things you don’t know about your parents, about your mom, from before you came along, and sometimes after.

I learn a little more about myself every year, but sometimes you just want to know a little more about the past. I wish it were always as easy as asking her to fill in some blank. I love you, Mom - and I miss you.

Triple Creme Brie

I love you. I really love you.

You are the perfect guilty pleasure and rainy day snack.

M3

This is the weekend I’ve been dreading. I’ve just said ‘so long’ to a group of people who have significantly impacted my life.

Last night, M3 stayed in, drinking and playing cards and eating pizza in the hallway. An extended sing-along and dance party and many emotional outbursts and a five o’clock walk up the mountain to see the sunrise. Today (now officially yesterday) they moved out. I delayed some goodbyes ‘til tonight, because a few boys were having a housewarming/end of the year party at their new apartment. I did pretty well most of the night - but when it came time to start saying goodbyes in earnest I really lost it.

I have had the lucky privilege of spending a year with the most amazing group of people. I’ve always loved my job. The people I’ve met in rez have changed my life every year. Still, this was something different. I managed to put roughly thirty people (give or take a few honourary members) in one spot this year and then got to watch them become the best of friends. They’re all leaving town now for the summer, but they get to come back in the fall. Yet they have no trouble admitting they’re going to miss one another terribly, that they are now family and that they love one another. Honestly - how did I get so lucky to stumble upon a group of kids with such heart?

Anyway, what I really want to say is - wow. I will miss you, M3. Thank you for making my year. I expect to have an abundance of couches to crash on for a long time to come.

Winding Down

Sitting on the grass beach on campus with a friend people watching and gossiping and dragging lazily on coffee and cigarettes. The skies were grey today but the air was warm and still, fifteen degrees and dry. We sprawled out for a little more than two hours while students bustled around us, on the way to and from the library, taking study breaks and tossing balls and frisbees on the field below us. They’re all still studying but I have no real sense of purpose this week. The wind down at the end of a school year is always strange, even when you’re expecting it. It’s anti-climactic and it’s a bit disappointing, to have no obligations or looming deadlines, and also nothing of note to really work toward or look forward to in the immediate future. I’m just letting the dust settle and thinking about packing up my room and saying goodbyes and getting ready to tackle - in a few short weeks - the monumentous challenge that will be leaving the city I’ve called home for nearly six years.

Sometimes I think I am more like her every day.

Stormy Days

I had a series of strange and frantic dreams soaked in a feverish urgency and punctuated by mysterious rousings. When I woke it was still dark but the clock glowed blue blinking 9:00. It had been raining and hailing and there was frost on the ground. It’s still dark and the skies are coming down and there is nothing to do but look out from behind the glass and wonder if it will clear in time to enjoy a portion of the day.

The Warm Fuzzies

I just had a long conversation with one of my girls and when she left the room we were both fighting back a few tears. I am dreading the days next week as the students pack up to leave the building and go home for the summer. I love the people I’ve met this year. I have the greatest group of students; they are so awesome and I would do just about anything for them. The student who just left my room said the most amazing things about our floor and the community.

This year has been a practice in creating an environment that’s welcoming and inclusive, that is to the benefit of everyone. Even the drama and weirdness that has taken place behind the scenes has been proof of the strength and adaptability of a few people. In many ways this year has been most fulfilling. It’s been such a natural pleasure to have a part in the establishment of this rapport of mutual respect between every member of the floor and the building.

This year has been great fun, and there’s nothing better than being told that you have succeeded in doing the things you strive to do, and that someone really appreciates it.

PS - Our students made this a few weeks ago. A portion of it was filmed on my floor, and a bunch of my students appear in it. I sure am going to miss them. Cuties.