I have the jitters of the day after a sleepless night. I can’t think straight and I can’t sit still and there’s nothing really to be done but wait it out. I’ll stretch the day long as I can, and make it to bed tonight - finally. There’s something desperate, reckless about feeling this way. I am numb and overstimulated and soon my vision will stir and the adrenaline will go and I will begin to move in slow motion.
“We’ve lost the living room. The living room has gone out of the music, but today I feel like we got it back.” (Emmylou Harris)
I can’t wait to have a living room of my very own!
I love. Love. Love. To talk about teaching and learning and schools. I got some good advice from one or two very good people and this morning I accepted an offer to the BEd program at UWO. Although I don’t think it’s fully set in that I’m really taking this step now - in real life - I am starting to get excited. I have been waiting for this for what seems like a very long time. I can’t wait to start a new chapter.
I do everything I can to hide it, even now. When I want to scream, instead I take a deep breath and I keep an even tone and I pretend everything’s just fine. I don’t even really know why. The truth is, you broke my heart.
I have had a bit of a busy weekend. I’d love to flesh it all out but in the interest of time and a looming deadline my time is better spent writing about Western alienation and Trudeau and the National Energy Program. Last night I took my students out for an end-of-the-year family dinner. There ended up being thirty of us (my students and some extra honourary hangers-on) and we had some fine French/Italian fare. We sat somewhat awkwardly at a very long table and drank many, many bottles of wine. Everyone was so happy and there seemed to be just so much love and the feeling of family and familiarity around the table. It was a joyful evening. Tonight was the retirement party for the man who has run this building for thirty years. He’s got a special bond with each of the students and they really pulled together to throw a big thank you party, with wine and cheese and a card filled to the brim with well-wishes - and two hours of coffee house performances. This is the third such event of the year - there is a tremendous amount of talent in this group of young people. Tonight was special because a number of people performed who have never done so yet this year. Aside from the fact that they all did such beautiful stuff, it was just a testament to the amazing community in the building and the really lovely people who’ve helped to forge it.
I had this amazing dream last night. It was so real that for a split second mid-morning, while going about my day, for a split second I thought it had been true. I dreamed you came back. I don’t know how. But you were back and we were all together again. Not like it had never happened, but as though we’d all somehow lived the impossible and gotten so lucky and you were here now, again. I was so happy, so relieved. And then I thought, how strange - that we’ll have to explain this to so many people. You were back. And that would make some things very awkward. A few people would have a lot of adjusting to do. We had some explaining to do. But in the end everyone would understand because we were so lucky. So lucky. I love to dream of you. I sometimes feel a bit of you comes back to me. I miss you when you’re gone too long. Between dreams. But then when I wake up, I realize you’re gone again. You’ve been gone all along.